I never update my journal anymore... and I think it's because I don't want people to think I'm being whiny or trying to get attention. So much fucked up shit is going on and I don't want people to think I want sympathy for it, I just want to get it out. So here goes.
My dad hasn't been able to get back on his feet since we lost my Mom. He's just been going way downhill for the last year and hasn't been interested in anything but drinking. My sister... jesus christ what do I say about her? She had a hystorectomy 2 years ago but claims she is pregnant with twins and the doctor is making her an artificial cervix and uterus to carry the babies. If she gives birth to even one half of a baby I'll lick her asshole clean. She's the biggest hypochondriac, compulsive liar, manipulator, and malicious bitch I've ever met in my life. And she's my own sister. My dad went to her house to get my Moms ashes from her a couple of days before Thanksgiving (She hasn't shed a tear but thinks she can take anything she wants) and they got into a fight and she put out a restraining order on him and 2 bullshit warrants. My dad refuses to go to jail. He said there's no way he will. So he met a woman (who is actually very nice) in Pennsylvania who is a widow and she came and picked him up. Now I don't even have him. He left the fucking state because of that dumb bitch Angel and now I won't even be able to spend Christmas with him. He was living with us since mid October and Toby seriously misses him and it breaks my heart. I told her if she didn't drop the charges I wouldn't speak to her again. She didn't. There's another one of my family members to mark off the list.
My brother is in prison and the DA tried to give him a deal of 30 years do 12 and he wouldn't accept it so he's going to trial. If he loses he's facing 98 years. This is because of the three strikes law. My brother has many prior felonies. He's a meth addict. He'll do anything for it. It's horribly sad and I wish he could be a normal member of society but I know that's never going to happen.
My oldest sister is also in prison and should get out in around 9 months.
What I have left out there now is my Grandmother. She's the only person that I feel I have left to turn to in my family.
People always say "I called you but you didn't pick up and didn't call me back" or "You were supposed to come to my house" or "So and so is having a baby shower and wants you to come". I don't want to leave my tiny comfortable house to have anything to do with whats out there. It's what's on the outside that hurts me. Here in my house alone I can be who I am, do what I want, and be happy. I have Toby here and Josh who is just fucking wonderful to me and my new baby pekingese of course... and I don't want anything else. I don't want to have to talk to people or socialize with them outside of work. Not because I don't like them... I just don't have any desire to do it. It's like a pain in my ass.
I went back to the psycho doctor in August and he put me back on medication but it doesn't seem to be working. Between Lamictal, Effexor, Wellbutrin, and Klonopin you'd think something would fucking give. The only thing that makes me feel better is pot and I'm lucky enough to have a husband who thinks the way I do of it... and can roll because I can't roll a joint for shit. Growing up my parents both smoked pot daily. It was no different to me than cigarettes. When I was 20 years old my Mom smoked a joint with me for the first time. We smoked together every day after that until Wednesday, December 6th 2006. Even the night before she had left me a joint that night so I'd have one to smoke while she was at work. I still have it with my most prized things in a lock box.
All of that seems so fucked up... but my life in my own little world with Toby and Josh is wonderful. Well... Toby has been a huge brat and pain in the ass for the last 6 months but.... still. Josh is great to me and I'm scared sometimes that I'm going to run him off because I don't see why anybody would want to be with someone like me so I always think he's going to find someone better. He does what he can to make me not feel this way but I can't help it. I know he loves me and I'm so happily married to him and I want the world to be like this forever. In our own little comfortable house.